I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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