Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
