Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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