I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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