Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
