found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
