i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
