so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
