Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize
