Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
