I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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