Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
