Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
