Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
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I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
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Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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