Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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