I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
