JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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