On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
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Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
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We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
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