i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
