I'm going to rape someone's good day.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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