MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
