Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
