I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
