these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
