Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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