I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
