we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He had one of those small greek statue penises
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
