i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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