meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
