I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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