I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
