my mouth tastes like poor choices
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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