That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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