dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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