im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
