I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
