I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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