so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
well I can't set my house on fire every night
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Someone came in the potted fern
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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