I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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