booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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