is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
