mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.