So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
