why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
