Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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