It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
