i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
you made out with another girl for some wings
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
