my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
