It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
