If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
