Moan for me like Helen Keller
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
