I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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