Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
