You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
