I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
