I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
