Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
