please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
