I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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