I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
