i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
