I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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