Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
