If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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