i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
