you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
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She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
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Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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